Stress, anxiety, and fear have raised the levels for tense conversations. A pandemic has shaken our regular routines. The uncertainty of an upcoming election surface polarized viewpoints. The challenging discussions on racism have brought more tension.
Before 2020, our focus on difficult conversation mostly revolved around conflicts at work, home, or in friendships. It seems now more than ever; the stakes seem higher in our most heated discussions.
Perhaps, even this week, you know a challenging conversation on your schedule.
I have learned so much about navigating tense conversations from my wife, Robyn. She serves as a mental health therapist and has a natural God-given disposition towards people facing crises and conflicts. I have watched her model a non-anxious presence in these situations.
Learning how to navigate tense conversations means living with grace and truth. It calls us to see people in the light of the gospel and humility give up our need to be right. I know that I still have a long way to grow, and there are conversations I would do over again.
Today, I want to share a few ways my wife and other counselors can teach us how to have healthy tense conversations:
Slow down.
Adrenaline rises in moments of conflict. Slowing down acknowledges the intense conversation. Watch the speed and volume of your words. I have seen many therapists slow down their thinking and talking. When you slow down, you calm yourself and even bring calm to the conversation.
Listening to understand not to respond.
Robyn and I recently watched an Office episode where coworkers attempt to teach Dwight how to listen. Let’s say it’s far more than a cognitive exercise. Non-verbal cues include head nodding and eye contact. I have noticed that therapists respond to people by saying, “So I think what I hear you saying is…” Understanding places the focus on what the person just said—responding places emphasis on us to get our point across.
Embrace the silence.
Therapists have a keen awareness to let people sit in silence. When we rush the conversation, we miss the opportunity to let people breathe and slow down. Sometimes in silence, people will catch up with their thoughts. Filling the space with words can increase our anxiety instead of de-escalating the conversation.
Identify the problem.
Mental health therapists bring the discipline of clarity. In challenging dialogues, if we disagree on the problem, we can find ourselves talking past each other. To agree to disagree, too, means making sure we see the same problem. Many of our conflicts result from the fact we have common ground, but we have not identified the problem.
Know when to take a break or pause the conversation.
I have seen firsthand Robyn and other therapists in conversation say, “Let’s put this conversation on pause and take a break…” Those of us who want to finish the discussion with a tight bow does not always happen. Often, taking a break or pause allows us to come back to the conversations calmer and more ready to listen. We might leave at a messy point, but re-engaging the discussion can allow cooler heads to prevail.
What have you learned about engaging tense conversations from therapists or counselors? Share in the comment section below.
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